What Am I Doing?
Me, Artwork, Melayne
ladyvyolence
Is it even worth it anymore? How many times will I force myself to sit through a conversation with him as he talks about leaving me? He wants to go travel and see his family after college, without me. When the lease is up, he wants to move back in with his parents because that would save him trying to find a job somewhere else where apartments are cheaper, without me. He refuses to live in a trailer park because, "he doesn't like them" even if it is the only way we can stay together. How many times will I say to myself, "he's just saying that so you think there's no way you could live together any more", without doing anything about it? Just lying there, fighting back the urge to just call the relationship off. That's what he wants, isn't it? To not have to be with me, to be able to spend his time with his friends even though they really don't want me around. 

He thinks he can get away with telling me to behave more around them when they're the ones who don't want me around. They obviously don't care about me enough that they don't try to stop him when he talks to them about me, even though he hasn't discussed any of his concerns with me yet and takes their words more to heart than mine. Obviously they don't want me around when they're fine with telling me that he has a problem with hanging out with them when he's in a relationship, even though he's always trying to find a way to be with them. As well as telling him shit about me to make me look like the bad guy. He cares more about their well-being then mine, that much is obvious. He doesn't care if they fuck him over multiple times, he'll still treat them better than me and he'll still go running back to them with our problems. Yet he says that they're there for me whenever I need it. Fuck that - I am not going to be friends with two-faced people.

I hate it here. I hate living in this trash heap; he lets them get away with not doing shit for the house, but when he talks to me, I'm the disgusting one because there are a few cups in the bedroom. Why am I held to a different standard? I hate not having anything to do; no friends, no family, no one to hang out with, no one to socialize with...it's driving me insane to be alone all of the time and no one cares. Not a single person around here cares...and it's only making my depression worse. I tried to tell him, but I guess that went unheard as well...

Thinking not with the mind, but with the body
Me, Artwork, Melayne
ladyvyolence

So as I'm sitting here, thinking about what direction of writing I want this place to take me to as I scroll through the countless photos and quotes on my Tumblr, I hear a familiar voice. It was familiar only in the sense that I had heard it before but was not sure where it came from. My eyes look up from the last picture I was looking at, one of a skull as the light reflecting off of an eye that had been drawn, to scan the library in my school for where the voice had resonated from.

First I looked right to only see empty computer chairs, but when I looked left my eyes fell upon a girl that I had known and had spoke with on numerous occasions. It had been only a term since I saw her last, she had not taken classes last term and was supposedly out of the state, but her voice was unmistakable: it was Amy and I was furious to see her. My anger was not directed at her being in the school though she had failed and failed again in her classes, seeming to not care that any future career or jobs besides fast-food services had begun to quickly dwindle from her hourglass of life because of her poor decisions. My anger was not even because she was what I had once considered a school friend, someone who I would talk to on my breaks and possibly go out to eat with. No, my anger had a greater purpose. 

At the beginning of the term, two terms ago, was a great New Years party that a close school friend held at his Aunt and Uncle's gorgeous house, one that they let him and his amazing dog stay in. The party was great and many school friends were invited, drinking wine and malt liquors while touring the house, playing games, and hanging out with good people. Amy was there with her boyfriend of the time, seemingly antisocial. During that time she had the reason that her boyfriend lived far away and couldn't see her for more than a couple days in a month holding us back from further investigation of why we could never find them. Some of the people at the party had assumed that they were in the room our friend had assigned them for staying the night, because alcohol was involved, some of us even taking it a step further that they were having sex. This worried the host of the party some, but he dismissed it as everyone else had though stating that he had regretted giving them a queen bed to sleep in and a nice secluded room in the house. 

Weeks later he receives a message on Facebook from her boyfriend, now an ex, that she had stolen hundreds of dollars worth of gold jewelry from the house and that he let her do it but didn't want to be a part of it now that they weren't together. All of the people he informed about this event were horrified and extremely upset with her, all pushing for the host of the great party to go and check out the jewelry at the pawn shop she had sold it at, to see if it was true. It was. And he could do nothing about it because he had no proof that it was his jewelry and no proof that she had stolen it besides a one-sided message from a pissed-off ex. It wasn't even his personal effects either; it belonged to his Aunt and Uncle.

She hadn't shown her face back to the school. Another friend of mine said it was because she moved away and that she was also angry with her because Amy had stolen money from her purse as well.

Here I am though, eyes momentarily flicking to the left to watch the girl who we all called a friend as she checks her email, prints off a class schedule, and talks with another student who does not happen to know how dangerous she really is to him. Does she suddenly go to this school again? Besides her poor attendance, lack of conviction, and overall nonacceptance that she's only digging herself a deeper shithole to die in, I wonder what other troubles she will bring to me and the friends who all dislike her now.

This also faces me with another decision as I still have not chosen how I would prepare myself for writing again or have had enough time to assess my current skill level and individuality through my writing to know what to do while I was trying to bring the life back to my own hourglass. For now though, I shall watch over my friends and try to give them the support they need in case another event shall arise.


Not an ordinary reason, but one enough.
Me, Artwork, Melayne
ladyvyolence
It's been a little while since I stopped posting anything to any of my accounts that was worthwhile and meaningful, besides Facebook, which has even seen a decline in my posts in general. Thought maybe, with the inspiration of a friend and the need to have somewhere to record my day to day thoughts or post my opinions on a controversial topic, I could worm my way back into writing more with a LiveJournal account. Something to start it off, you know? I figured starting off small, fresh, would help me bring something back to my writing that I seem to have lost: personality and a defined "voice". It's become so bland and dead that it almost seems like a waste of time to continue writing at all. I've lost the luster to the once shiny new toy that I had, something that made me a great writer and an even more observant person.

So hopefully this is the change I've been needing and I will have enough time and patience with my other duties as a student and a girlfriend to make this work.

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